When a child receives an autism diagnosis, there seems to be this general “Ah, that explains a lot 💡!” moment where the child’s behavior suddenly makes sense and accommodations can be made to support the kid moving forward. So, why is there the assumption that nothing will change when an adult receives an autism diagnosis?

I suspect it’s because there is this perception that if you’re a reasonably functional member of society, you can’t be that disabled. You have a job, a family, friends. You travel or go to events. Noisy events even.

If you can do all of that, autism won’t change a thing, right? (Wrong.)

Camouflaging

Even before my diagnosis, I always joked that I was a chameleon. Depending on the mood and energy of the room, I could usually adjust my own behavior and personality to match.

Turns out this is called camouflaging. Camouflaging is a tactic used by many animals to disguise their appearance to avoid detection or deter predators. In human behavior, we social camouflage to fit in and avoid teasing and bullying — presenting ourselves as different from who we are in order to be preceived as “normal.”

Taking it to the Extreme

Camouflaging is a human behavior. To an extent, everyone will camouflage their behavior in order to fit in.

The issue is that many autistic individuals, myself included, will mask so frequently and so deeply that the mask ends up becoming who we are — all the time. Often at expense of our natural personalities and mental well-being. This level of masking is often referred to as assimilation: actively protraying ourselves as someone entirely different in orer to fit in.

Those common activites that seem to make us functional members of society? We are often doing them because it makes us look like functional members, not because we are capable of doing them. More often than not, we are overting to the point where we are depressed, anxious, lonely, and suicidal.

Everything changes

In my personal experience, receiving my diagnosis gave me valuable insight into my brain and how I interpret and interact with the world. It also showed me just how messed up I became because of how much I used masking to cope and be preceived as a normal, functional, and valuable member of society.

That diagnosis for me, and I’d wager for many late-diagnosed autistic adults, meant I could finally allow myself to unmask. To allow myself to explore my natural personality. Once the mask starts coming off, things will start to change.

Support Us

The reason that we mask is because we are actively hearing that we’re not behaving in the expected, normal way. We mask because we ashamed. We mask because we are afraid. We mask because, whether you meant it or not, you made us believe that our natural inclinations were wrong and needed to be repressed.

Inclusive Mindsets

You can support us by being more inclusive and open-minded about behaviors that may seem rude or inappropriate. More often than not, we’re not intentionally being rude: we just don’t necessarily know better. Yes, even as adults. There is this assumption among neurotypicals that you should “just know” without ever being taught — and many neurotypicals do seem to just know, as if there is a manual written into their brains that we’re missing.

Rather than dismissing us, reprimanding us, or judging us for what we did or said, help us learn what we did wrong. Teach us what we might be missing. Contrary to some of my experiences, we can and do actually learn the appropriate behavior.

Conclusion

Now, don’t get me wrong: being autistic is NOT a license to be an asshole, abusive, or mean. That’s not the takeaway here.

Being autistic means that our brains work different. We don’t learn the same way. We need explicit instructions and directions — we struggle with filling in the gaps and reading between the lines.

We want you know that despite outward appearances, we are waging constant internal battles with ourselves. When we start to unmask after a diagnosis, our internal struggles will lesson… and our outward appearance will change. We hope you not only allow us to change, but support and encourage us to do so.